my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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