I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
