I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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