Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
