sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize