i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
