This is not my ceiling
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
