Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I stole a fireplace last night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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