It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
