I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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