i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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