Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
