I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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