Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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