Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
