Your dad touched me again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
