I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
