What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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