Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
