Sponge bath it is.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
