awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
