i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
