grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
