My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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