After last night, I could never be a politician.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
