Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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