12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
