I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
