I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
