im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
