Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
