I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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