Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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