You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just want nice things and good sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
