Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
