I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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