I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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