i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Boobs speak an international language.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
