Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I fill condoms, not promises.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
