Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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