he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
