if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
