this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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