I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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