So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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