god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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