She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
