The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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