Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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