I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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