Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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