That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
