You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
