i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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