I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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