My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
