She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
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So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name