I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
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right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.