Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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