Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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