Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
