We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
