I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
