There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
